you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
