I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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