that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
