a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Too much gin, very little bucket
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
