Fuck appropriateness.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
