I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
