the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
