chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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