Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
