Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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