Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
