so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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