Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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