the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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