Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
