I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
