my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
