remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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