i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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