my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
