I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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