I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
