Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
