I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
