I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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