mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
You can't special order awesome
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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