So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
