Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
