I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
