I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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