And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
