You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
