Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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