tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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