you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
