I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
