Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
