Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
