I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
