Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
