did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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