i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
