I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Mom said you looked used
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
