apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
