You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
