I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
fuck your aforementioned shoe
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
