you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
