You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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