Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Randomize
