Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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