I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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