everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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