The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
